Still swear it's a beautiful life

Cried this morning - just kind of fell apart. It was therapeutic and I'd rather not do it again, but I'm not sure how much control I have over that.

It was one of those time where you're crying and crying and you have absolutely no idea why. You can chalk it up to stress (which it probably is) and a lack of sleep (which it probably is) and the feeling of impending doom that comes with term papers and exams (which it probably is).

Regardless, that isn't what spontaneously comes out of your mouth when you're curled up on the floor. It's something I've said before when I've experienced a stress-related tear session, and at the end of it all, I usually try to come to the conclusion that what I said was just a way of putting a name to a face, so-to-speak. You know? A good, solid reason why. So, maybe it's just supposed to be that I need a physical reason because I feel stupid for being so emotional...but, still.

So, I'm sorry I'm blaming this on you, buddy.

I miss you so much. I'm pretty positive that you'll never really know just how much, but I do. And I'm sure you know, from your own experience, that some days are better than others. Hell, just a week ago, I thought of emailing an old friend because I missed her and I missed the fact that she was one of the few that could walk in a room and instantly make me laugh. I forget how betrayed I felt with her and how one-sided our friendship often was and how bad of friends we were to each other, but I needed her then. And I need you now.

It is a ridiculously selfish emotion and I have a tendency to overindulge in the pleasurable pain of it. I'm so good at dragging things out and out, beating them with a stick until I'm sure they're dead and gone. I am a world-class wallower. But despite that, it doesn't erase the fact that this thing - whatever the hell it is to you doesn't really matter - has some pretty deep roots.

I'd go on and on, telling you the ways that I see you and need you and so on, but that would be an entirely insincere, corny, stupid piece of work. I'm of the belief that there are just some things about a person that you can't put a name to and if you tried, it would somehow ruin that spark. So, I miss you, kiddo.

And we'll just have to leave it at that.

There's constant hope, and a logical knowing, that everything will turn out.

This, too, shall pass, as does all things.

Everyone take it easy. Don't get raped. Don't die.

remember that you're loved, right where you are, in this moment.