TV Commercials

This article is by Andrew Heller and I found it in the Citizen Patriot on Sunday. I truly appreciated it and I hope you will, too

Time to turn up the volume on TV execs

When I read something, I sort of hear it in my mind. So, if you're like me, I WOULD LIKE TO WARN YOU - YES, YOU, the one sitting there reading the Sunday morning newspaper in your SILLY LITTLE SNUGGIE, THE BLANKET WITH THE ARM HOLES - that at times the INTERNAL MIND VOLUME OF TODAY'S COLUMN may occasionally and seemingly randomly spike to OBNOXIOUS LEVELS, thereby causing you to spill your scalding hot cup of coffee IN YOUR LAP, causing excruciating GROIN PAIN.

Of course, I have a point for doing this. Don't I always?

The point is this: Why in the world do people like those Snuggie things? They're blankets. With holes. You could have made your own with a pair of scissors. And yet Snuggies were one of the top-selling Christmas gifts this year. Were Chia Pets all sold out?

My other point is this: THANK GOD FOR CONGRESS! Or more specifically, California Sen. Anna Eashoo, who introduced a bill recently that would outlaw the mysterious and sudden SPIKES IN VOLUME that occur WHEN A TV PROGRAM GOES TO COMMERCIAL!

I know what you're thinking, it's about darned time. I mean, this is a FUNDAMENTAL PROBLEM of modern life. It's about time it was treated as seriously by Congress as other problems facing the nation, such as health care and terrorism.

Because this IS a form of terrorism. My wife and I have both said so for years. We'll be watching, say, a nice, quiet football game and the announcer says, "We'll be right back," and then the next thing we hear is, "MEN, ARE YOU URINATING LESS FREQUENTLY?" And the volume is so loud that all hell breaks loose. Popcorn goes flying. Coffee spills. Laps burn. Car alarms sound. And somewhere in the distance, a baby cries.

The frustrating thing is that TV volume spike is like gas prices going up just before the weekend. It doesn't happen all the time so you're never entirely sure if it's your imagination or not, OR PERHAPS YOUR TV.

That's the nice thing about this bill. It AFFIRMS YOUR SUSPICIONS. It's not just you. You're not crazy. Your TV isn't just a piece of junk. It's an actual problem caused by actual, evil people in the television industry, who can be hunted down and forced to pay for their sins.

First, we'll have to get confessions, which won't be easy. TV executives never have and never will admit that intentional volume spiking actually occurs.

Strong measures may be required. I propose strapping TV executives to BEANBAG CHAIRS and FORCING THEM TO WATCH every last episode of "Full House," complete with commercials.

"Do you hear the volume spike now? Do you? No? Then how about some more of those cute Olsen twins?"

NOOOOOOOO!

And if they still won't confess, I'm afraid we may need to go to a little more off-book, Dick Cheney style, and pour them a nice hot cup of coffee, placing it in their laps.

"Oh, look, a commercial is coming up..."

"HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT, 'HMM, WHAT I REALLY NEED IS A BLANKET WITH HOLES CUT IN IT? IF SO, YOU'RE IN LUCK...!"


I concur