This article is by Andrew Heller and I found it in the Citizen Patriot on Sunday. I truly appreciated it and I hope you will, too
Time to turn up the volume on TV execs
When I read something, I sort of hear it in my mind. So, if you're like me, I WOULD LIKE TO WARN YOU - YES, YOU, the one sitting there reading the Sunday morning newspaper in your SILLY LITTLE SNUGGIE, THE BLANKET WITH THE ARM HOLES - that at times the INTERNAL MIND VOLUME OF TODAY'S COLUMN may occasionally and seemingly randomly spike to OBNOXIOUS LEVELS, thereby causing you to spill your scalding hot cup of coffee IN YOUR LAP, causing excruciating GROIN PAIN.
Of course, I have a point for doing this. Don't I always?
The point is this: Why in the world do people like those Snuggie things? They're blankets. With holes. You could have made your own with a pair of scissors. And yet Snuggies were one of the top-selling Christmas gifts this year. Were Chia Pets all sold out?
My other point is this: THANK GOD FOR CONGRESS! Or more specifically, California Sen. Anna Eashoo, who introduced a bill recently that would outlaw the mysterious and sudden SPIKES IN VOLUME that occur WHEN A TV PROGRAM GOES TO COMMERCIAL!
I know what you're thinking, it's about darned time. I mean, this is a FUNDAMENTAL PROBLEM of modern life. It's about time it was treated as seriously by Congress as other problems facing the nation, such as health care and terrorism.
Because this IS a form of terrorism. My wife and I have both said so for years. We'll be watching, say, a nice, quiet football game and the announcer says, "We'll be right back," and then the next thing we hear is, "MEN, ARE YOU URINATING LESS FREQUENTLY?" And the volume is so loud that all hell breaks loose. Popcorn goes flying. Coffee spills. Laps burn. Car alarms sound. And somewhere in the distance, a baby cries.
The frustrating thing is that TV volume spike is like gas prices going up just before the weekend. It doesn't happen all the time so you're never entirely sure if it's your imagination or not, OR PERHAPS YOUR TV.
That's the nice thing about this bill. It AFFIRMS YOUR SUSPICIONS. It's not just you. You're not crazy. Your TV isn't just a piece of junk. It's an actual problem caused by actual, evil people in the television industry, who can be hunted down and forced to pay for their sins.
First, we'll have to get confessions, which won't be easy. TV executives never have and never will admit that intentional volume spiking actually occurs.
Strong measures may be required. I propose strapping TV executives to BEANBAG CHAIRS and FORCING THEM TO WATCH every last episode of "Full House," complete with commercials.
"Do you hear the volume spike now? Do you? No? Then how about some more of those cute Olsen twins?"
NOOOOOOOO!
And if they still won't confess, I'm afraid we may need to go to a little more off-book, Dick Cheney style, and pour them a nice hot cup of coffee, placing it in their laps.
"Oh, look, a commercial is coming up..."
"HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT, 'HMM, WHAT I REALLY NEED IS A BLANKET WITH HOLES CUT IN IT? IF SO, YOU'RE IN LUCK...!"
I concur
Monday, December 28, 2009
Saturday, December 26, 2009
DAMN, that was a good Christmas!
Despite my constant complaining that Christmases of late haven't felt at all like Christmas (and it might be very true), I had one truly great Christmas
We did our traditional Ukrainian Christmas thing over in Detroit with my dad's side of the family. Same old routine. But the sense of humor of my baba always surprises the hell out of me. She was trying to call Ukraine with this new service (when she usually uses this Penny Talk thing, I guess) and it wasn't working. At first it just wouldn't ring, but every call she made got her a busy signal. She kept mumbling things under her breath and then laughs. I ask her what's wrong? She laughs again and says, "It's the Sputnik. The damn Russians and their Sputnik *somethingsomethinginUkrainian* The Sputnik is busy. I can't call my sister because the Sputnik is busy. Russian Sputnik...pain in the ass."
I love my grandmother. So. Damn. Much.
The borscht was amazing. It always is. I mean, I love this holiday for food reasons alone. I look forward to it every year Pierogies, borscht, vushkas, mushroom gravy...the fun just don't stop.
I'm bringing at least some of it back up to State with me.
The down part of the trip was seeing my grandfather in the state that he's in. His quality of life is so low. It was the first Christmas that he didn't eat with us because he was too weak. It was kinda tough, but such is life.
Dinner on Christmas day yielded a conversation about what we would do if zombies attacked. My mother said she put too much garlic under the skin of the turkey, but she said the vampire would stay away, so that's was a positive. Then my dad asked, "What do we do if the zombies attack, though?" And we, as a family, began to discuss the various ways we would beat back the zombies with whatever was on the table.
And then I watched Friday Night Lights until the wee hours of the morning because I have all three seasons of it now.
Yay. Yay. Yay
In other news, I have screwed up my back. It's the damn bed I've been sleeping on. Pain. So much pain.
And that's all I have for today. I hope everyone had at least a decent Christmas. I'm very excited for New Years. I hope the weather isn't ridiculous like it always is on the 31st. That would make driving places very unpleasant and, in some cases, damn near impossible
take it easy. don't die. don't get raped. Enjoy post-Christmas shopping!
We did our traditional Ukrainian Christmas thing over in Detroit with my dad's side of the family. Same old routine. But the sense of humor of my baba always surprises the hell out of me. She was trying to call Ukraine with this new service (when she usually uses this Penny Talk thing, I guess) and it wasn't working. At first it just wouldn't ring, but every call she made got her a busy signal. She kept mumbling things under her breath and then laughs. I ask her what's wrong? She laughs again and says, "It's the Sputnik. The damn Russians and their Sputnik *somethingsomethinginUkrainian* The Sputnik is busy. I can't call my sister because the Sputnik is busy. Russian Sputnik...pain in the ass."
I love my grandmother. So. Damn. Much.
The borscht was amazing. It always is. I mean, I love this holiday for food reasons alone. I look forward to it every year Pierogies, borscht, vushkas, mushroom gravy...the fun just don't stop.
I'm bringing at least some of it back up to State with me.
The down part of the trip was seeing my grandfather in the state that he's in. His quality of life is so low. It was the first Christmas that he didn't eat with us because he was too weak. It was kinda tough, but such is life.
Dinner on Christmas day yielded a conversation about what we would do if zombies attacked. My mother said she put too much garlic under the skin of the turkey, but she said the vampire would stay away, so that's was a positive. Then my dad asked, "What do we do if the zombies attack, though?" And we, as a family, began to discuss the various ways we would beat back the zombies with whatever was on the table.
And then I watched Friday Night Lights until the wee hours of the morning because I have all three seasons of it now.
Yay. Yay. Yay
In other news, I have screwed up my back. It's the damn bed I've been sleeping on. Pain. So much pain.
And that's all I have for today. I hope everyone had at least a decent Christmas. I'm very excited for New Years. I hope the weather isn't ridiculous like it always is on the 31st. That would make driving places very unpleasant and, in some cases, damn near impossible
take it easy. don't die. don't get raped. Enjoy post-Christmas shopping!
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
My body's confused
I go from getting around 4 hours of sleep (at most) while I'm up at State, to getting at least 12 hours a night here in Jackson
I HAVE to attribute this to stark boredom. I'm telling you...by 10pm, I'm going to bed. This is just very odd for me, seeing as I rarely saw the inside of my eyelids before 3am during this last semester
I'll get into a "regular" sleep schedule by Christmas Eve at the latest. Thank God for midnight mass.
Yay
In other news, I bought new shoes yesterday. This would not be noteworthy except that it brought up something that I've longed to discuss: employees in clothing/acessory stores
Okay. Now, if you're sitting behind your counter thingy and you're talking to me, I really don't mind. I can make small talk with anyone and, on most days, I enjoy it muchly. As long as you stay where you are and don't bother me about buying anything, we'll talk about the weather or people spilling their coffee on your carpets or whatever else you want to talk about. And I understand the employees that walk around and ask you ONCE if you're looking for something. I don't really like it, but I understand that this is their job and they'd probably get written up if they didn't do it.
But, yesterday, I encountered the most RIDICULOUS lady I have ever seen. She asked me, and my brother and my father individually if we were looking for anything, despite us walking in together and all agreeing that we were just looking around. Then, she proceeded to circle the store and stop by us at various points of our shoe-searching. Every time I picked up a pair to try them on, she would grab at the box and ask if I wanted to put the shoes up at the counter to reserve them until I was done browsing. I politely said no about five times. When I was trying to decide between two pairs, she hoovered like she thought I was attempting to shove the heels down my pants and run out of the store. I'd look up at her and she'd smile and go on looking over my shoulder.
O_o
THEN, at the check-out counter, she tries to make jokes about my indecisive shoe-shopping.
*sigh*
Look, lady. You spent an entire half an hour tailing me through the damn store, peering over my shoulder, grabbing at things. I don't want you to talk to me. You're lucky that I needed winter boots and that I couldn't possibly leave those heels for someone else to buy, because every bit of me wanted to just walk out of that store and flip you the bird.
Well, I'm glad that's off my chest.
In other other news, piano playing is going well. You all are in pretty good luck. I have another song in the works to play over and over and make you want to stab your eyes out. But, at least it'll be a new song, right?
I really love 500 Days of Summer
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban still remains my absolute favorite Harry Potter book.
Alvin and the Chipmunks were just singing Hot N' Cold on that movie trailer. Jesus...
I love turkey leftovers. So many possibilities.
Still feel super neurotic when I eat Skittles.
I am going to marry Joesph Gordon-Lovitt
or maybe Justin Long
but I guess someone in my area will have to do.
*sigh*
Not sure which movie is more terrifying...Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory or Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Hmm
I've missed listening to music while I shower. Yay
Okay. I'm going to leave you alone now. Thanks for wasting time with me
take it easy. don't die. don't get raped
I HAVE to attribute this to stark boredom. I'm telling you...by 10pm, I'm going to bed. This is just very odd for me, seeing as I rarely saw the inside of my eyelids before 3am during this last semester
I'll get into a "regular" sleep schedule by Christmas Eve at the latest. Thank God for midnight mass.
Yay
In other news, I bought new shoes yesterday. This would not be noteworthy except that it brought up something that I've longed to discuss: employees in clothing/acessory stores
Okay. Now, if you're sitting behind your counter thingy and you're talking to me, I really don't mind. I can make small talk with anyone and, on most days, I enjoy it muchly. As long as you stay where you are and don't bother me about buying anything, we'll talk about the weather or people spilling their coffee on your carpets or whatever else you want to talk about. And I understand the employees that walk around and ask you ONCE if you're looking for something. I don't really like it, but I understand that this is their job and they'd probably get written up if they didn't do it.
But, yesterday, I encountered the most RIDICULOUS lady I have ever seen. She asked me, and my brother and my father individually if we were looking for anything, despite us walking in together and all agreeing that we were just looking around. Then, she proceeded to circle the store and stop by us at various points of our shoe-searching. Every time I picked up a pair to try them on, she would grab at the box and ask if I wanted to put the shoes up at the counter to reserve them until I was done browsing. I politely said no about five times. When I was trying to decide between two pairs, she hoovered like she thought I was attempting to shove the heels down my pants and run out of the store. I'd look up at her and she'd smile and go on looking over my shoulder.
O_o
THEN, at the check-out counter, she tries to make jokes about my indecisive shoe-shopping.
*sigh*
Look, lady. You spent an entire half an hour tailing me through the damn store, peering over my shoulder, grabbing at things. I don't want you to talk to me. You're lucky that I needed winter boots and that I couldn't possibly leave those heels for someone else to buy, because every bit of me wanted to just walk out of that store and flip you the bird.
Well, I'm glad that's off my chest.
In other other news, piano playing is going well. You all are in pretty good luck. I have another song in the works to play over and over and make you want to stab your eyes out. But, at least it'll be a new song, right?
I really love 500 Days of Summer
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban still remains my absolute favorite Harry Potter book.
Alvin and the Chipmunks were just singing Hot N' Cold on that movie trailer. Jesus...
I love turkey leftovers. So many possibilities.
Still feel super neurotic when I eat Skittles.
I am going to marry Joesph Gordon-Lovitt
or maybe Justin Long
but I guess someone in my area will have to do.
*sigh*
Not sure which movie is more terrifying...Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory or Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Hmm
I've missed listening to music while I shower. Yay
Okay. I'm going to leave you alone now. Thanks for wasting time with me
take it easy. don't die. don't get raped
Saturday, December 19, 2009
When your home is no longer your own
We have reached the point where my apartment, without a doubt, feels more like home than my childhood house does.
It's kind of odd, empty feeling, though not to be unexpected
Last night, Sam and I hit the bars (or one bar [Dublin Square, in case you wanted to knw]). It was the end of finals and I think we both wanted to get the hell out of my apartment and do something to celebrate. I really enjoyed myself, though Dublin Square does seem like one of those bars you go to in groups. More fun dancing with a group and then I don't feel so guilty taking up an entire table.
It would have been nice if Sean and Grix had come, but I understand. Some people like to celebrate with a drink and some people like to sit and relax. To each their own.
We heard "Call on Me" while we were there. I liked it.
Today, we had my mother's side of the family over for a Christmas gathering of sorts. I do adore my mother's side of the family, but all my cousins have reached an age where having toddlers is not an uncommon thing.
Let it be said: I do not hate babies. They make me very panicky, mainly for the reason that they give me a trapped sort of feeling. I am certainly not ready to have one and that's a really really good thing, because I don't want one. But I would MUCH rather deal with a baby than a toddler. Damn things are so fucking loud and they run around EVERYWHERE. Seriously, they have more energy than a power plant and they happen to think that everyone around them would love to share in that overwhelming energy.
Guess what? I don't. Sit the fuck down. Open your presents. Leave me the hell alone.
And don't take a hammer to our picture frames. Yes, they do break when you hit them. And don't tear the pages out of that book. They cannot be glued back in. I'm glad we had these learning experiences together.
*sigh*
In other news, my mother has let me have my Christopher O'Riley piano book before Christmas. Perhaps this is because she, like everyone else (including myself), is tired of hearing the same 6 songs over and over and over again. Or maybe she was being kind. That's a possibility, too
All the songs are going to be a tough challenge, but that's okay. It'll give me something to work for. If I can pull some of these off, I will finally be able to call myself a piano player.
yay
Like I thought, I 2.5ed my poly sci class. I'm just grateful it's a 2.5 and not anything lower. My psych and english grade can make up for it. I just would hate for this to fuck up my GPA.
Whatever. It's just one class.
Now, I'm watching the new Doctor Who episode with my brother. They had a Doctor Who insider thingy focusing on David Tennant's seasons and going through his companions and all the drama with them, as well as his general greatness. This is fun.
Though, I'm going to have nightmares about these water creature thingys. I always see the creepiest things on Doctor Who...
Well, I'm going to go now, but, you know
take it easy. don't die. don't get raped. stay away from the creepy water monster things - as with most creepy things on Doctor Who, it's kind of contagious and you don't want to be a creepy water monster thing, now, do you?
It's kind of odd, empty feeling, though not to be unexpected
Last night, Sam and I hit the bars (or one bar [Dublin Square, in case you wanted to knw]). It was the end of finals and I think we both wanted to get the hell out of my apartment and do something to celebrate. I really enjoyed myself, though Dublin Square does seem like one of those bars you go to in groups. More fun dancing with a group and then I don't feel so guilty taking up an entire table.
It would have been nice if Sean and Grix had come, but I understand. Some people like to celebrate with a drink and some people like to sit and relax. To each their own.
We heard "Call on Me" while we were there. I liked it.
Today, we had my mother's side of the family over for a Christmas gathering of sorts. I do adore my mother's side of the family, but all my cousins have reached an age where having toddlers is not an uncommon thing.
Let it be said: I do not hate babies. They make me very panicky, mainly for the reason that they give me a trapped sort of feeling. I am certainly not ready to have one and that's a really really good thing, because I don't want one. But I would MUCH rather deal with a baby than a toddler. Damn things are so fucking loud and they run around EVERYWHERE. Seriously, they have more energy than a power plant and they happen to think that everyone around them would love to share in that overwhelming energy.
Guess what? I don't. Sit the fuck down. Open your presents. Leave me the hell alone.
And don't take a hammer to our picture frames. Yes, they do break when you hit them. And don't tear the pages out of that book. They cannot be glued back in. I'm glad we had these learning experiences together.
*sigh*
In other news, my mother has let me have my Christopher O'Riley piano book before Christmas. Perhaps this is because she, like everyone else (including myself), is tired of hearing the same 6 songs over and over and over again. Or maybe she was being kind. That's a possibility, too
All the songs are going to be a tough challenge, but that's okay. It'll give me something to work for. If I can pull some of these off, I will finally be able to call myself a piano player.
yay
Like I thought, I 2.5ed my poly sci class. I'm just grateful it's a 2.5 and not anything lower. My psych and english grade can make up for it. I just would hate for this to fuck up my GPA.
Whatever. It's just one class.
Now, I'm watching the new Doctor Who episode with my brother. They had a Doctor Who insider thingy focusing on David Tennant's seasons and going through his companions and all the drama with them, as well as his general greatness. This is fun.
Though, I'm going to have nightmares about these water creature thingys. I always see the creepiest things on Doctor Who...
Well, I'm going to go now, but, you know
take it easy. don't die. don't get raped. stay away from the creepy water monster things - as with most creepy things on Doctor Who, it's kind of contagious and you don't want to be a creepy water monster thing, now, do you?
Monday, December 14, 2009
Finals. Ugh
On the eve of final's week, I have decided to take some time out and write a blog post.
Mostly, I wanted to document that fact that I have the strangest and possibly the most painful scratches I've ever had up and down my right forearm. This creeps me out a lot. I already have healing scratches in and around the same area (ones that lack origin memorable enough for me to remember where they came from, either). Then, as I was driving back a minute ago, I noticed that my arm was burning a little. It got progressively worse. I went into the bathroom and I seriously have 10 scratches on my arm, one of which reaches from my wrist to my elbow in a smooth arch.
I know I was scratching at my arm a bit tonight, but not hard at all. Nothing that would leave this stuff. God, I'm surprised they're not bleeding.
I actually got all of my polysci reading done for the final tomorrow. Do I comprehend well enough to pull off a 3.0? Probably not, but it is done. I didn't even think I'd get that far, so this is an accomplishment.
Having a full week of finals is going to be a newer experience for me. Usually, it's just spanish that I have a final in - the rest are papers. This time, I didn't have to write any papers/screenplays/short stories/etc. at all. It's all written finals and they're spread out all week long.
At least I know that no matter how badly I fail my psych exam, I'll still have a 4.0. That's always a wonderful feeling.
Not so lucky in the other finals, but what can you do? You take your cookies any way you can get 'em, right? Unless they give you nuts and you're allergic to nuts...then it might be safer not to take them like that. Or coconut. Some people hate coconut. I hate coconut
Fuck it
Pre-finals sushi was had. Nothing spectacular to report there. Just documentation that it happened.
Then, Sam and I went on an odd little journey to play the original Left4Dead. Stauff couldn't do it (finals. whatever), so we stole away with his Xbox. None of the classrooms were open to play, the Pillar Room was packed, we couldn't work anything out in the theatre, so a good 5 hours (or so) and 5 chapters of polysci reading later, we ended up at my apartment.
I'm not sure I've played a more entertaining game of Left4Dead. I might have watched others play a campaign like ours with the same level of hilarious comments, but it was nice to take part in one.
Christmas break be comin' up quickly and I still haven't decided how much time I'm going to spend in Jackson and how much time I'll spend here. I KNOW I should work at the movie theater and get some money for the upcoming semester. No buts. I know I should, and we'll just leave it at that.
Hopefully I can make it to the Walsh estate for New Year's, though. That would be really nice.
Well...all right then. That might be it.
It might be time for sleeping.
Yay
take it easy. don't die. don't get raped. good luck on your finals!
Mostly, I wanted to document that fact that I have the strangest and possibly the most painful scratches I've ever had up and down my right forearm. This creeps me out a lot. I already have healing scratches in and around the same area (ones that lack origin memorable enough for me to remember where they came from, either). Then, as I was driving back a minute ago, I noticed that my arm was burning a little. It got progressively worse. I went into the bathroom and I seriously have 10 scratches on my arm, one of which reaches from my wrist to my elbow in a smooth arch.
I know I was scratching at my arm a bit tonight, but not hard at all. Nothing that would leave this stuff. God, I'm surprised they're not bleeding.
I actually got all of my polysci reading done for the final tomorrow. Do I comprehend well enough to pull off a 3.0? Probably not, but it is done. I didn't even think I'd get that far, so this is an accomplishment.
Having a full week of finals is going to be a newer experience for me. Usually, it's just spanish that I have a final in - the rest are papers. This time, I didn't have to write any papers/screenplays/short stories/etc. at all. It's all written finals and they're spread out all week long.
At least I know that no matter how badly I fail my psych exam, I'll still have a 4.0. That's always a wonderful feeling.
Not so lucky in the other finals, but what can you do? You take your cookies any way you can get 'em, right? Unless they give you nuts and you're allergic to nuts...then it might be safer not to take them like that. Or coconut. Some people hate coconut. I hate coconut
Fuck it
Pre-finals sushi was had. Nothing spectacular to report there. Just documentation that it happened.
Then, Sam and I went on an odd little journey to play the original Left4Dead. Stauff couldn't do it (finals. whatever), so we stole away with his Xbox. None of the classrooms were open to play, the Pillar Room was packed, we couldn't work anything out in the theatre, so a good 5 hours (or so) and 5 chapters of polysci reading later, we ended up at my apartment.
I'm not sure I've played a more entertaining game of Left4Dead. I might have watched others play a campaign like ours with the same level of hilarious comments, but it was nice to take part in one.
Christmas break be comin' up quickly and I still haven't decided how much time I'm going to spend in Jackson and how much time I'll spend here. I KNOW I should work at the movie theater and get some money for the upcoming semester. No buts. I know I should, and we'll just leave it at that.
Hopefully I can make it to the Walsh estate for New Year's, though. That would be really nice.
Well...all right then. That might be it.
It might be time for sleeping.
Yay
take it easy. don't die. don't get raped. good luck on your finals!
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